A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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