sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Umm I'm too high to move.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
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You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
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You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today