Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.