I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
