I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
