I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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