He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
