OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Found the puke drawer
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.