and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low