We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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