I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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