even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
