He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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