OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
