We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
