If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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