I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
