So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
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I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
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WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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