Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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