I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There r osticjed everywhere
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
