Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I wish there were birth control emojis
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
