She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
