Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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