My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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