Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
