Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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