Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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