but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
