I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
