Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
