so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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