New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
