my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
