My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
