Who wears a wallet chain?!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
