I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
