you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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