My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
