I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
