tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
