Non-Jews are for practice
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
How's work?
Spinning.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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