She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
