ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
