how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
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I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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