i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
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My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
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You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.