Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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