I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.