I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
