I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
