I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
