if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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