I could make wine with my vomit
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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