I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
