You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
