Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
