my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
