ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
