I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
