Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
