I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize